I am so sad this morning hearing the story of Pheobe, a high school student in New England who was bullied through text messaging, online and at school and she killed herself. How can some of our children be so cruel that another life would be that worthless. That our children are not even aware of the consequences of their actions! Is one child so thoughtless, self centered and removed from reality that even if another child does take their life because of the crulity that it isn't their fault? They aren't responsible? Does one child have any remorse from the consequences of name calling and disrespect of another person?

And does one person feel so bad about themselves, is it a self esteem issue that even on the outside, the hottest, cutest, most popular person would feel the need to cut another human down to feel worthy themselves? What are we missing here?

And we could even take this into the world of adults. I am sure many of us know someone who carelessly talks about another, brings someone's worth down by the cut of their toungue. Who, in their adult world, gets into the negative world of their children...logging into their accounts, texting their children's friends, chatting with teens and taking out their anger and hurt in their world on to others...perhaps it causes them to feel better about themselves just for a minute.

I came across this writing by Iyanla Vanzant yesterday. As I am heading with some girlfriends to a conference for moms and daughters next weekend (myself having the 8-13 year olds to talk with) I was struck by not only the writing but the story this morning. Where is the disconnect? How can we, as moms, aunts, sisters, grandmas, friends...pick this up and encourage each other? Encourage our children? Encourage our children's friends? See the worth in ourselves so that we can see the worth in another!

When I, as a girlfriend, say I love you, it is not in a cheesy, careless off handed way. I say I love you because I am loved and therefore I am able to love. I am tolerated so I am able to tolerate. I am given grace and mercy so am able to pass that grace and mercy through me to others. I am worthy and you are worthy as well. ~Girlfriends, I love you. I appreciate you. -Rachel Noble

Dear One:
You are it! There is nothing in this world more important, more precious, more perfect than you. You are powerful!
Your parents, your friends, lovers and loved ones may not always be with you forever, but God is always there with you and for you. Others may not be able to answer your questions, soothe your pain, put a smile on your face or bring peace to your heart, but God can and will.
Since you will always be with you, because you are so very important to you, you must know how to take care of yourself, how to honor yourself and how to affirm yourself. My prayer for you is that you know how brilliant and special you are.
You have been loved from the very beginning of your existence. That love is within you. Allow the divine presence of the love within you to shape you, mold you and direct your life.
Give your best! Do your best! Be your best! And, if there is ever a day or time when you cannot figure out what to do, throw your hands in the air and dance! God's angels are your partners.

Taken from the book 'Don't Give It Away' by Iyanla Vanzant blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
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Girlfriends...Yesterday I was reminded of this poem by Iyanla Vanzant, she has written a book with the same name. This was truly my experience yesterday. And not for the first time either! Here I am once again, preparing for another healing. Healing from the same hurts that I healed from in the past, healing from new hurts that have piled on the old hurts as they come out of the closet again. From all that was said yesterday, by my Counselor, Mentor and Friend, this stood out "When you released these hurts in the past, what did you fill the space back up with?" Wow! I think I moved forward a some in knowing who I am or what my passions are but I have never been so aware of the need to release the hurt and embrace the grace! Wow! I am excited for the healing, I am excited for the grace -and the result? My fullfilling the purpose of this life I have been blessed with. The fear? That my Counselor, Mentor and Friend will share with all of us here as I grow and heal and learn and blog! *smile* ~Hugs!

Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected,
and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others
did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when
the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything that I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because...

Yesterday, I cried
with an agenda.

~Written By Iyanla Vanzant
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I posted this excerpt from The Little Prince (you can read it in the previous post if not familiar with the story) because it has always represented for me, relationships. The one most on my mind now is the relationship that just ended. When we first began dating 3 years ago I brought this up and asked him not to 'tame me' if he wasn't going to stay around. Over the years we seperated a couple of times because we weren't on the same page when it came to a serious relationship.

The first 10 months we continued to date other people and I stayed very ambivilant about going any further. I could see he wasn't serious and so I wasn't about to get that way. I let him go the first time when I knew that I couldn't ever find my life partner if I was so caught up with him. Wonderful guy, no commitment.

We came back together knowing we loved each other just not sure how to move forward when he still didn't want a committed relationship but I chose to give it a try 'just to see.' Well, the truth being -I loved him and wanted this picture I had in my head of what could be. So we dated the next several months growing closer and my meeting his family including his (grown) son for the first time. We all went on vacation to St. Augustine -his son and my kids including my daughter's fiance. My thinking 'oh, cool...we are moving forward as a family' and he thinking...who knows what, he dropped me cold the day we got back...and he moved forward with another for the next 5 or 6 months.

When this love came back in my life, March of this past year, I was very clear that I wanted a commited relationship. I want marriage...knowing he had always said he did not want to be married again, although this time he said he was ready. He said this is what he wanted. He loved Destin and me and it was worth moving forward for us to be together. Once again I, knowing I loved this man for the sweet, kind, generous person he is...I agreed to this new beginning. And it has been great. We have spent time talking together more than we had ever talked in the past. We had brought up differences that needed to be worked on, and we moved forward in what I thought was unison.

After spending a wonderful year -including Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve together...he is done again. Just like that. Done. The only explanation? We are too different. Really? Like we didn't already know each other well enough to know the differences? Really? Like I am no different than the day we met...I am still that sweet spirit, kind person you said you loved. I still own my own company, working from home -never have been and never will be that coorporate dynamite you seem to be attracted to when you aren't dating me. So...here I am with all the hurts, dissapointments and what if's I went through last July. And seeing the side of him that isn't so sweet, compassionate and caring that he could leave in such a cold way.

So we come back to the story of taming the fox. And I had to re-read it. I asked this man not to tame me because I didn't want to be hurt. And now I have to see what was learned from this taming. What was good, what wasn't so good. What it was in the relationship I absolutely loved and what will not be tolerated in the next. And I have to move forward. Without bitterness and resentment. Without anger. Because those few little words are not who I am and not who I ever want to be. Those words do nothing but bring me somewhere I don't want to be.

I choose to live without fear of the next relationship. I choose to trust and love and give as I always have, knowing that is my true character. A relationship does not define me. What happens in that relationship does not define me. It does, however, bring me to a closer awareness of what it will be when the time is right and the relationship is right. And I have to be willing to be tamed again.
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Taming The Fox 01/09/2010
 
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It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning," said the fox.

"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree." "

Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," said the fox.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince.

"I am so unhappy." "I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince. But, after some thought, he added: "What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."

"'To establish ties'?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."

"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince. The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on this planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life . I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..." The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please, tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near...

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses. "You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarrassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you, the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose..." said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

-Taken from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry
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Destin Randall Lamar, my son, has had many men come and go in his short eleven-year life span. He was born December 31, 1997 and in January of 1998 his natural Grandfather on his dad’s side past away. That was perhaps not a loss he would have felt but it was the first in a long line to come.

Destin’s dad, Tracy Noble had similar loss in his life and found his foster family when he was about 14, moving in with Randall and Gwen Manning. Randall Lamar Manning was one of the finest men I have ever known and so named my son after him. Randall and Tracy were very close and when, in September of 1998, Randall passed away after a lengthy illness, it seemed one more loss that hit Tracy hard. 4 weeks later Tracy was in an accident and passed away as well.

I knew that my son would need men in his life, as it was just he, his sister Jordan and me at home. He enjoyed trying on my clothes and wearing my high heels, much like most little boys I suppose! So I got him some really cool jeans and his first pair of cowboy boots…this helped!

Destin attached himself to men as they came along –I didn’t do much dating so he didn’t really have an opportunity in that capacity but my dad was one he looked up to. The relationship between my dad and myself was rocky to say the least but I knew Destin loved his grandpa and wanted to spend time with him. He loved the musical instruments my dad introduced him to and loved the adventures my dad took him on. When my dad got sick, the small amount of patience he did have was gone and Destin’s time with his grandpa ended. The next time Destin spent time with his grandpa was, thankfully, towards the end of my dad’s life as my dad began forgiving and asking for forgiveness and as we all began to repair relationships. He passed away in March of 2009.

There were others; George, Dan and Dennis to name a few -and as we left one church for another, I began to pray for a good man to come into Destin’s life. To mentor him, to teach him what was okay and what wasn’t, to show him things only a man can show a boy. And then came Matt.

We began attending Temple of Praise in October of 2007. Matt would tell you it was a class he taught about mentoring that began this relationship. In this class he told the older teens in the church that they were to be leaders, those the younger people looked up to. Whatever it was during that class, Matt knew he should lead by example and, having just gotten to know us and perhaps without much thought, he chose Destin. Maybe he didn’t have to think about it. Maybe he just knew as soon as he left that class that Destin was the kid he was to mentor.

See, Destin is fun, funny, loving, caring and compassionate but at the time Matt chose him he was hard headed, angry, untrusting and much of the time could come up with really inappropriate things to say just to get a reaction. Matt was exactly who I had prayed for, and he came at just the right time.

Over the last couple of years Matt has spent a lot of time with Destin. From sleep overs to just a day out here and there, always available for him in his office at the church and many times Destin would go to church early on Wednesday’s and sit in Matt’s office until it was time for class. These past two years have gone by fast and I didn’t realize how fast until it was time for another change.

Matt and Gayle married and, through a series of circumstances, have taken a position at a church in Matt’s home state of North Carolina. They will be moving this week.

I have seen a maturity in my son over the past couple of years. I have seen him become a thoughtful, loving, fun-loving, joyful cool kid. I have seen him grow in his personal faith and beliefs and in his prayer life. I have seen Destin begin to react appropriately to situations and loss, as in ‘life goes on’ and I see an understanding in him that life happens. Change happens. Sometimes you don’t like the change and sometimes life just stinks and when something is ending it could mean something even better is coming!

Matt, I saw my son yesterday at church. When we all gathered around you and Gayle to pray for you and to tell you goodbye I saw Destin with his eyes closed and his hand stretched towards you both, his mouth moving quietly as he said a prayer for you. I saw the tears moving down his cheeks and I could feel yet another loss for my son and I was so sad for us all. Maybe these emotions are coming because I am the mom and sometimes mom’s feel for their kids and it isn’t even something Destin is feeling. So I let him be. I let him quietly pray and let the tears quietly roll down his cheeks and I didn’t reach out for him. This was his time and in his way he was able to say goodbye. I was so proud of him, and so thankful for you. You have taught him more than you may ever know. You were that roll model for him. He does look up to you and you did a great job of just leading by example. There is another little boy somewhere that needs you. I am really quite sure at that church in North Carolina is another little boy that needs a man, someone to show him what it takes to be a loving, caring and compassionate young man and you are just the one for the job.
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A little over 10 years ago Jordan, Destin and I made our way out to Hixson. We had found a family that raised Keeshond's. This was a dog we had wanted for awhile and we had finely found one in the Chattanooga area!

On the way home we were discussing names for our new puppy. As we passed the Kia dealership I shouted out 'Kia'! And so she was named.

This was the sweetest dog, practically trained herself, was playful but not manic. Slept with Jordan over the next several years and just fit right in. Through all of the dogs we adopted and then found homes for, she was the one we kept.

Here we are a little over 10 years later. Jordan has moved out and taken her two little dogs with her and I am left feeling like Kia is lonely...missing Jordan and missing the playmates she had grown accustomed to. I began praying for our dog. You can't just give your dog away. A dog you have had for 10 years. A dog that has become a part of your family. It made me sad just to think about it. So I prayed that God would show me what He wanted for Kia. That I would have wisdom in knowing what was best for her.

Thanksgiving day we spent over at Jordan's new house. I had been tempted to take Kia with us just so she could spend the day with all the activity but chose to leave her home instead. She loves it outside and this day was no exception, she wouldn't come in, so I left her outside. Somehow she found a way out of the fence and was gone when I came home a bit after 4pm. With this being Thanksgiving I knew wherever she was no-one could contact the vet to get get my phone number until the next day. So I prayed that she was safe and would be taken care of. With a sense of peace about it, I was able to let it go.

Early Friday morning I got a call from a family a block or so away that had Kia. Oh, they loved her -she fit right in and had done great that night...I headed that way to pick her up and to my surprise it was the friend of a former neighbor. She and I had met briefly before but had not really ever talked.

After taking Kia home she immediately wanted outside and wouldn't come in when I had to leave for the store. Yup, sure enough...I got a call from Amy, Kia was back at her house. Amy then offered to keep her for the weekend. She and I talked about how I felt she was missing Jordan and the other two dogs and Amy, with her daughter Molly and their two dogs she must have been feeling right at home.

I got to Amy's home on Sunday after church and was greeted by Kia and her new found friends barking at the door. Yes, she jumped up a little and wanted me to pet her but was not anxious to leave, so I sat to visit for a little while. During the conversation it was clear how Kia had settled in, had been sleeping with Molly and had become a part of their family in this short time. My son, Destin, offered up 'You can keep her if you want' to which came a vigorous head shaking and YES from Molly.

We talked awhile longer, telling a little about Kia and what she has meant to us, some of her habits and what to expect and we got up to leave. Amy and Molly were leaving at the same time and when we called for Kia to go bye-bye she immediately jumped into Amy's car, didn't even venture out towards mine.

Amy said she didn't want to keep Kia if it was going to make me sad. I told her it made me sad to think about taking her from them! So, Kia has found her new home and I know she isn't lonely. She is back in the company of a teenage girl and two lively playmates that walk on all four's like she.

Thank you Molly and Amy for giving Kia a home and for loving her as much as we do!
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This is the traditional month of Thanksgiving.

I have seen the hurt in people around us that have lost jobs, homes, cars and perhaps the feeling that they have lost everything. I am so thankful that I have wonderful children who, by the Grace of God are caring and compassionate human beings. I have joked before that my 11 year old son would be a juvenile delinquent if it wasn't for the Grace and Mercy of God. This really isn't a joke my friends, I am truly thankful that through prayer and thanksgiving, my children are happy and healthy.

We have been through much as a family, I have raised them over the past 11 years after the death of their father, (and my husband). I will tell you the truth, the first year when I had Thanksgiving baskets of food left on my door step and then Christmas presents left for the kids -I had no idea who had left them but I felt they should have been left for someone else. I have always felt that, even at the worst of times, we still had it so much better than many people. We have never been without a meal (even if it was maccaroni and cheese with hot dogs) and my children have never gone without nice clothes to wear (the first Saturday of the month everything is half off at Goodwill!).

The first year after Tracy died I mentally slept through the holidays. Beginning the next year I knew we had to do something different or I wouldn't surrvive. My children had everything they needed -maybe not everything they ever wanted, but certainly everything they needed. So, we began looking for families that had needs. Each year we had a family that we could buy for and I always asked that they not be anonymous as I wanted the kids to see why they were giving.

One year the family that we were going to give to on Christmas Eve lived in one of the housing projects in Chattanooga. I was concerned because I had just purchased a brand new car and driving this car into the housing projects could appear austentacious, as if I had more than they and were showing off. This was not what I intended to do so I began to pray, and my brand new car broke down that day. I had to go to a local rental car establishment and the only car they had on Christmas Eve was an old beat down Ford Fairlane. PERFECT! We arrived about 6pm with the trunk loaded down, pies and goodies and oh, the presents! The very next morning we were going to travel to Florida to have Christmas with my mom and sister so we had no tree and nothing to go under it. Waking up to a very quiet household, Christmas morning with nothing decorated, no tree and not one present was very humbling. The kids and I just sat on the couch and, looking around I said, "This is what it would have looked like for that family." To this day my daughter, now almost 20 years old, remembers this day.

Living a life of thankfulness does not only include the month of November. This is just a time we take out of the year to acknowledge our thankfulness in a public way. Something I hope I do every day. I want to live a life giving thanks. I want, even in the times of despair and sadness to say, 'Thank you Lord that I am able to go through this and thank you for what you are doing and going to do.' That the despair would get less attention and looking up to the Father would become more of a habit. The other morning my daughter Jordan woke up to a flat tire. I immediately thanked God for what ever it was He kept her from on this morning. In the Bible Paul says, "Count it all joy!" Really? Even when life appears crappy? Even when I can't pay my rent? Even when my kids can't have new shoes? Yes, really. "Count it all JOY!" And then pretend it's an adventure, because that's really all it is. An adventure. We are still living and breathing and loving and learning and for this, I am thankful.
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How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk~

Ah, this I have seen on billboards and advertised throughout Chattanooga on many occasions and have always been curious. Offered by First Things First, this is one of several weekend 'relationship' workshops they sponsor. So, with a push by my girlfriend Stephanie, a few months ago, I went! Not because men are jerks. First and foremost, let me say that just because someone breaks up with you, leaves you, stops being a confidante or the relationship is over for whatever reason, does not make a person a 'jerk!'

What makes a 'jerk', (and this I have suspected and the weekend confirmed it) is a self centered, narcissistic, controlling, inconsiderate person. This could also mean a wonderful-sweet-kind person who is only wonderful, sweet and kind when it suits their purpose or is good for them! This also, my dear girlfriends, could mean anyone in your life and is not necessarily a man!

~Getting Walked On~

Many terms are used to describe, and the feelings associated with, what I am talking about; taken advantage of, used, disrespected, unappreciated, useless, worthless...you get the idea.

It seems as though the jerks in our lives have absolutely no idea they are being a jerk. Wrapped up in themselves and what they have going on it never occurs to them that you have a life outside of theirs. It never occurs to them that you need to be available to yourself first! We can use our kids as the first example. Who would have thought we ever had a life before them? They are born with the belief that this world was created for them.

We have girlfriends that get upset if we have any other girlfriends outside of them. Going to have coffee and they aren't invited? Having dinner with someone and they don't know about it? Spending time with family and other friends and are, for some reason, unavailable to them at the very moment they perceive that they NEED you? You catch it! Either they tell you exactly what they think or you get the cold shoulder for many days. You do for them whenever and wherever and they are not available when you are in need...

Men. It is done their way. You have no opinion or your opinion is silly. If you are dating and they are wrapped up in what they are doing yet expect you to be available, answer the phone, jump and run, pick them up something, pay for dinner, drive them somewhere, watch what they are watching....Whew! Exhausting! If you are married and it is you that keeps the home clean, takes the kids to and from school, picks up what is needed for the household, has what he wants for dinner at the time he wants to eat, you watch what he wants to watch on tv or he piles up in the bedroom while you take care of the running of the household....there is more, ladies, but I am moving on...

~Take A Hike!~

We have wonderful, internal strengths as a woman. We are kind, thoughtful, intuitive, sensitive, compassionate and generally aware of what others needs are. There are hurts in our lives that perhaps form barriers and we become hardened and hide those strengths. We perceive the fact that those strengths have perhaps caused us to be walked on and taken advantage of. So we stop doing anything for anyone!

Life is about balance. Being able to graciously accept help and advice, as well as being able to give is all a part of the balance. When the balance is too far on one side -it is you always giving of your time and talents and resources- it is easy to fall into a place of being a victim. This is something being done to you. This is something you have given up personal control over. Letting others dictate your life and how you will live it. The other side of the balance is, basically, a HECK NO! No I won't help, no I won't give, no I won't do, no I am not available. Out of fear of being taken advantage of? Out of a previous lack of control? This can almost be as dangerous and self destructive as giving too much.

Start with taking time for yourself. I know I talk about this a lot! But it does, girlfriends, all come back to you! You being the very best you can be in order to be the very best to all of those in your life! We were created to be loving, nurturing, joyful females. It should come naturally to us to be giving and thoughtful. Your boundaries can be made up of soft pillows and blankets instead of needles and prickly pears. It just starts with your doing what is necessary to get in touch with your true spirit, living intentionally and thoughtfully. Focusing on the internal you instead of everything external, everything that is going on around you and what someone is going to require next.

A lady at the workshop that weekend (a few months ago) asked "What is unconditional love?" Wikepedia answers it like this ~Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of his actions or beliefs. This I agree with! This is what unconditional love is all about. However...It does not require us to be walked on, taken advantage of and victimized. Love requires us to love ourselves and our well-being first. Not in a self-centered way but in a way that provides our renewing and refreshing so that we can give more and can be truly available when needed. ~Rachel Noble
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When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This can be said for any relationship, even girlfriends. Relationships take tolerance, compassion and freedom. When we think another person should be something, do something or act a certain way, we need to examine ourselves. Is there a need that is not being met in this relationship? Is this a person you should be spending time with in the first place? Does this bring up your own issues of control?

And this goes into all areas. Not everyone is going to have the same spiritual beliefs you have. Not everyone is going to eat, breathe and walk the same way you do. And not everyone is going to laugh or cry at everything you laugh and cry at. In fact, not one person in this whole world is going to meet all of your needs. Not a man and not one girlfriend. And not one age group.

We all need each other. We need to stay open to all people in our lives who are giving and taking, loving and fussing and, most importantly, those who are encouraging us and having a positive role in our life.

A loving relationship encourages personal growth and change. A loving relationship encourages freedom in that growth and change.
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Every time I get still I get shaky. Every time I take time to sit quietly and do nothing, I feel my body tremble. Sometimes slightly and sometimes so I know I couldn’t stand if I wanted to.

I used to feel, many years ago, that if I ever stopped I would fall apart. If I ever took time to sit still and listen or work on me, I would absolutely fall a part. I got along so well using dry humor and sarcasm to talk about things in my past, knowing they had to be dealt with in reality, yet I was too scared of the process.
So I stayed busy. And manic. Happy and friendly on the outside, yet a state of depression inside. Fearing a journey of healing would include the process of falling apart. I had two kids. No one to take care of them should this happen. So I stayed in the place of fear. And doubt. Bad decisions, Anger. Bitterness. Heavy depression.

What a pleasant surprise to find my healing took place without my falling apart! What a surprise to realize this wonderful healing process did not have to include my turning every nook and cranny of my childhood upside down and inside out. This process did not include answering or figuring out all the garbage that I had been through or rehashing memories and figuring out what my parents should have done or didn’t do. This healing truly was as simple as forgiving myself. Truly realizing a self love for the woman I am. Then bringing this to a lifestyle of loving without expectations and forgiving without exception.
Boundaries have become a necessary part of my life (although truth be told I may always be working on those). Living a life of love and forgiveness does not mean accepting everything that comes your way and having to live with those circumstances or people cluttering up your space. More simply, it means first of all loving yourself enough to keep your space clear of the negativity. Then when circumstances or people do enter your space, with whatever agenda or expectations they may have, you are more easily able to let them go in a spirit of love and able to forgive whatever may have been meant to hurt, without taking more than a moment for the process.

I see circumstances and people coming into my own life with their stuff, their agenda or with what they think is cool or desired and it seems the more practice I have with these circumstances, the quicker they are to leave. My level of amusement has risen as I see more clearly now at the beginning, exactly what is happening and can, more quickly and clearly, watch as it exits my space. All in a spirit of love as well as the firm belief and knowledge that with my boundaries in place, there is no way for the foolishness to get so close - no way for the insincerity to find a place of rest - no way for chaos and negativity to take root and stay. I watch with equal amusement as they enter and as they leave. Perhaps I will start timing this process! *smile*

Now I am working on another level. Something deeper in this life I am living and the inevitable change that takes place within this life. I am seeing my needs and desires perhaps on a more intense level that I have not yet grasped. So I see myself start to get busy, yet less manic than before. I see myself start having a whole lot going on with much of it having absolutely nothing to do with what I want or need to be doing. It is time to stop again. To take time to be still and listen. To notice the weakness in my body, or the way my insides feel like jello. And know that a breakthrough does not have to include a breakdown. I just have to stop, take time to listen, and be aware when the answers come. ~Rachel Noble
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