How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk~

Ah, this I have seen on billboards and advertised throughout Chattanooga on many occasions and have always been curious. Offered by First Things First, this is one of several weekend 'relationship' workshops they sponsor. So, with a push by my girlfriend Stephanie, a few months ago, I went! Not because men are jerks. First and foremost, let me say that just because someone breaks up with you, leaves you, stops being a confidante or the relationship is over for whatever reason, does not make a person a 'jerk!'

What makes a 'jerk', (and this I have suspected and the weekend confirmed it) is a self centered, narcissistic, controlling, inconsiderate person. This could also mean a wonderful-sweet-kind person who is only wonderful, sweet and kind when it suits their purpose or is good for them! This also, my dear girlfriends, could mean anyone in your life and is not necessarily a man!

~Getting Walked On~

Many terms are used to describe, and the feelings associated with, what I am talking about; taken advantage of, used, disrespected, unappreciated, useless, worthless...you get the idea.

It seems as though the jerks in our lives have absolutely no idea they are being a jerk. Wrapped up in themselves and what they have going on it never occurs to them that you have a life outside of theirs. It never occurs to them that you need to be available to yourself first! We can use our kids as the first example. Who would have thought we ever had a life before them? They are born with the belief that this world was created for them.

We have girlfriends that get upset if we have any other girlfriends outside of them. Going to have coffee and they aren't invited? Having dinner with someone and they don't know about it? Spending time with family and other friends and are, for some reason, unavailable to them at the very moment they perceive that they NEED you? You catch it! Either they tell you exactly what they think or you get the cold shoulder for many days. You do for them whenever and wherever and they are not available when you are in need...

Men. It is done their way. You have no opinion or your opinion is silly. If you are dating and they are wrapped up in what they are doing yet expect you to be available, answer the phone, jump and run, pick them up something, pay for dinner, drive them somewhere, watch what they are watching....Whew! Exhausting! If you are married and it is you that keeps the home clean, takes the kids to and from school, picks up what is needed for the household, has what he wants for dinner at the time he wants to eat, you watch what he wants to watch on tv or he piles up in the bedroom while you take care of the running of the household....there is more, ladies, but I am moving on...

~Take A Hike!~

We have wonderful, internal strengths as a woman. We are kind, thoughtful, intuitive, sensitive, compassionate and generally aware of what others needs are. There are hurts in our lives that perhaps form barriers and we become hardened and hide those strengths. We perceive the fact that those strengths have perhaps caused us to be walked on and taken advantage of. So we stop doing anything for anyone!

Life is about balance. Being able to graciously accept help and advice, as well as being able to give is all a part of the balance. When the balance is too far on one side -it is you always giving of your time and talents and resources- it is easy to fall into a place of being a victim. This is something being done to you. This is something you have given up personal control over. Letting others dictate your life and how you will live it. The other side of the balance is, basically, a HECK NO! No I won't help, no I won't give, no I won't do, no I am not available. Out of fear of being taken advantage of? Out of a previous lack of control? This can almost be as dangerous and self destructive as giving too much.

Start with taking time for yourself. I know I talk about this a lot! But it does, girlfriends, all come back to you! You being the very best you can be in order to be the very best to all of those in your life! We were created to be loving, nurturing, joyful females. It should come naturally to us to be giving and thoughtful. Your boundaries can be made up of soft pillows and blankets instead of needles and prickly pears. It just starts with your doing what is necessary to get in touch with your true spirit, living intentionally and thoughtfully. Focusing on the internal you instead of everything external, everything that is going on around you and what someone is going to require next.

A lady at the workshop that weekend (a few months ago) asked "What is unconditional love?" Wikepedia answers it like this ~Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of his actions or beliefs. This I agree with! This is what unconditional love is all about. However...It does not require us to be walked on, taken advantage of and victimized. Love requires us to love ourselves and our well-being first. Not in a self-centered way but in a way that provides our renewing and refreshing so that we can give more and can be truly available when needed. ~Rachel Noble
 


Comments




Leave a Reply