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Girlfriends...Yesterday I was reminded of this poem by Iyanla Vanzant, she has written a book with the same name. This was truly my experience yesterday. And not for the first time either! Here I am once again, preparing for another healing. Healing from the same hurts that I healed from in the past, healing from new hurts that have piled on the old hurts as they come out of the closet again. From all that was said yesterday, by my Counselor, Mentor and Friend, this stood out "When you released these hurts in the past, what did you fill the space back up with?" Wow! I think I moved forward a some in knowing who I am or what my passions are but I have never been so aware of the need to release the hurt and embrace the grace! Wow! I am excited for the healing, I am excited for the grace -and the result? My fullfilling the purpose of this life I have been blessed with. The fear? That my Counselor, Mentor and Friend will share with all of us here as I grow and heal and learn and blog! *smile* ~Hugs!

Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected,
and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others
did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when
the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything that I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because...

Yesterday, I cried
with an agenda.

~Written By Iyanla Vanzant
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I posted this excerpt from The Little Prince (you can read it in the previous post if not familiar with the story) because it has always represented for me, relationships. The one most on my mind now is the relationship that just ended. When we first began dating 3 years ago I brought this up and asked him not to 'tame me' if he wasn't going to stay around. Over the years we seperated a couple of times because we weren't on the same page when it came to a serious relationship.

The first 10 months we continued to date other people and I stayed very ambivilant about going any further. I could see he wasn't serious and so I wasn't about to get that way. I let him go the first time when I knew that I couldn't ever find my life partner if I was so caught up with him. Wonderful guy, no commitment.

We came back together knowing we loved each other just not sure how to move forward when he still didn't want a committed relationship but I chose to give it a try 'just to see.' Well, the truth being -I loved him and wanted this picture I had in my head of what could be. So we dated the next several months growing closer and my meeting his family including his (grown) son for the first time. We all went on vacation to St. Augustine -his son and my kids including my daughter's fiance. My thinking 'oh, cool...we are moving forward as a family' and he thinking...who knows what, he dropped me cold the day we got back...and he moved forward with another for the next 5 or 6 months.

When this love came back in my life, March of this past year, I was very clear that I wanted a commited relationship. I want marriage...knowing he had always said he did not want to be married again, although this time he said he was ready. He said this is what he wanted. He loved Destin and me and it was worth moving forward for us to be together. Once again I, knowing I loved this man for the sweet, kind, generous person he is...I agreed to this new beginning. And it has been great. We have spent time talking together more than we had ever talked in the past. We had brought up differences that needed to be worked on, and we moved forward in what I thought was unison.

After spending a wonderful year -including Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve together...he is done again. Just like that. Done. The only explanation? We are too different. Really? Like we didn't already know each other well enough to know the differences? Really? Like I am no different than the day we met...I am still that sweet spirit, kind person you said you loved. I still own my own company, working from home -never have been and never will be that coorporate dynamite you seem to be attracted to when you aren't dating me. So...here I am with all the hurts, dissapointments and what if's I went through last July. And seeing the side of him that isn't so sweet, compassionate and caring that he could leave in such a cold way.

So we come back to the story of taming the fox. And I had to re-read it. I asked this man not to tame me because I didn't want to be hurt. And now I have to see what was learned from this taming. What was good, what wasn't so good. What it was in the relationship I absolutely loved and what will not be tolerated in the next. And I have to move forward. Without bitterness and resentment. Without anger. Because those few little words are not who I am and not who I ever want to be. Those words do nothing but bring me somewhere I don't want to be.

I choose to live without fear of the next relationship. I choose to trust and love and give as I always have, knowing that is my true character. A relationship does not define me. What happens in that relationship does not define me. It does, however, bring me to a closer awareness of what it will be when the time is right and the relationship is right. And I have to be willing to be tamed again.
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Taming The Fox 01/09/2010
 
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It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning," said the fox.

"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree." "

Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," said the fox.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince.

"I am so unhappy." "I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince. But, after some thought, he added: "What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."

"'To establish ties'?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."

"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince. The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on this planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life . I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..." The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please, tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near...

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses. "You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarrassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you, the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose..." said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

-Taken from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry
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Destin Randall Lamar, my son, has had many men come and go in his short eleven-year life span. He was born December 31, 1997 and in January of 1998 his natural Grandfather on his dad’s side past away. That was perhaps not a loss he would have felt but it was the first in a long line to come.

Destin’s dad, Tracy Noble had similar loss in his life and found his foster family when he was about 14, moving in with Randall and Gwen Manning. Randall Lamar Manning was one of the finest men I have ever known and so named my son after him. Randall and Tracy were very close and when, in September of 1998, Randall passed away after a lengthy illness, it seemed one more loss that hit Tracy hard. 4 weeks later Tracy was in an accident and passed away as well.

I knew that my son would need men in his life, as it was just he, his sister Jordan and me at home. He enjoyed trying on my clothes and wearing my high heels, much like most little boys I suppose! So I got him some really cool jeans and his first pair of cowboy boots…this helped!

Destin attached himself to men as they came along –I didn’t do much dating so he didn’t really have an opportunity in that capacity but my dad was one he looked up to. The relationship between my dad and myself was rocky to say the least but I knew Destin loved his grandpa and wanted to spend time with him. He loved the musical instruments my dad introduced him to and loved the adventures my dad took him on. When my dad got sick, the small amount of patience he did have was gone and Destin’s time with his grandpa ended. The next time Destin spent time with his grandpa was, thankfully, towards the end of my dad’s life as my dad began forgiving and asking for forgiveness and as we all began to repair relationships. He passed away in March of 2009.

There were others; George, Dan and Dennis to name a few -and as we left one church for another, I began to pray for a good man to come into Destin’s life. To mentor him, to teach him what was okay and what wasn’t, to show him things only a man can show a boy. And then came Matt.

We began attending Temple of Praise in October of 2007. Matt would tell you it was a class he taught about mentoring that began this relationship. In this class he told the older teens in the church that they were to be leaders, those the younger people looked up to. Whatever it was during that class, Matt knew he should lead by example and, having just gotten to know us and perhaps without much thought, he chose Destin. Maybe he didn’t have to think about it. Maybe he just knew as soon as he left that class that Destin was the kid he was to mentor.

See, Destin is fun, funny, loving, caring and compassionate but at the time Matt chose him he was hard headed, angry, untrusting and much of the time could come up with really inappropriate things to say just to get a reaction. Matt was exactly who I had prayed for, and he came at just the right time.

Over the last couple of years Matt has spent a lot of time with Destin. From sleep overs to just a day out here and there, always available for him in his office at the church and many times Destin would go to church early on Wednesday’s and sit in Matt’s office until it was time for class. These past two years have gone by fast and I didn’t realize how fast until it was time for another change.

Matt and Gayle married and, through a series of circumstances, have taken a position at a church in Matt’s home state of North Carolina. They will be moving this week.

I have seen a maturity in my son over the past couple of years. I have seen him become a thoughtful, loving, fun-loving, joyful cool kid. I have seen him grow in his personal faith and beliefs and in his prayer life. I have seen Destin begin to react appropriately to situations and loss, as in ‘life goes on’ and I see an understanding in him that life happens. Change happens. Sometimes you don’t like the change and sometimes life just stinks and when something is ending it could mean something even better is coming!

Matt, I saw my son yesterday at church. When we all gathered around you and Gayle to pray for you and to tell you goodbye I saw Destin with his eyes closed and his hand stretched towards you both, his mouth moving quietly as he said a prayer for you. I saw the tears moving down his cheeks and I could feel yet another loss for my son and I was so sad for us all. Maybe these emotions are coming because I am the mom and sometimes mom’s feel for their kids and it isn’t even something Destin is feeling. So I let him be. I let him quietly pray and let the tears quietly roll down his cheeks and I didn’t reach out for him. This was his time and in his way he was able to say goodbye. I was so proud of him, and so thankful for you. You have taught him more than you may ever know. You were that roll model for him. He does look up to you and you did a great job of just leading by example. There is another little boy somewhere that needs you. I am really quite sure at that church in North Carolina is another little boy that needs a man, someone to show him what it takes to be a loving, caring and compassionate young man and you are just the one for the job.
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This is the traditional month of Thanksgiving.

I have seen the hurt in people around us that have lost jobs, homes, cars and perhaps the feeling that they have lost everything. I am so thankful that I have wonderful children who, by the Grace of God are caring and compassionate human beings. I have joked before that my 11 year old son would be a juvenile delinquent if it wasn't for the Grace and Mercy of God. This really isn't a joke my friends, I am truly thankful that through prayer and thanksgiving, my children are happy and healthy.

We have been through much as a family, I have raised them over the past 11 years after the death of their father, (and my husband). I will tell you the truth, the first year when I had Thanksgiving baskets of food left on my door step and then Christmas presents left for the kids -I had no idea who had left them but I felt they should have been left for someone else. I have always felt that, even at the worst of times, we still had it so much better than many people. We have never been without a meal (even if it was maccaroni and cheese with hot dogs) and my children have never gone without nice clothes to wear (the first Saturday of the month everything is half off at Goodwill!).

The first year after Tracy died I mentally slept through the holidays. Beginning the next year I knew we had to do something different or I wouldn't surrvive. My children had everything they needed -maybe not everything they ever wanted, but certainly everything they needed. So, we began looking for families that had needs. Each year we had a family that we could buy for and I always asked that they not be anonymous as I wanted the kids to see why they were giving.

One year the family that we were going to give to on Christmas Eve lived in one of the housing projects in Chattanooga. I was concerned because I had just purchased a brand new car and driving this car into the housing projects could appear austentacious, as if I had more than they and were showing off. This was not what I intended to do so I began to pray, and my brand new car broke down that day. I had to go to a local rental car establishment and the only car they had on Christmas Eve was an old beat down Ford Fairlane. PERFECT! We arrived about 6pm with the trunk loaded down, pies and goodies and oh, the presents! The very next morning we were going to travel to Florida to have Christmas with my mom and sister so we had no tree and nothing to go under it. Waking up to a very quiet household, Christmas morning with nothing decorated, no tree and not one present was very humbling. The kids and I just sat on the couch and, looking around I said, "This is what it would have looked like for that family." To this day my daughter, now almost 20 years old, remembers this day.

Living a life of thankfulness does not only include the month of November. This is just a time we take out of the year to acknowledge our thankfulness in a public way. Something I hope I do every day. I want to live a life giving thanks. I want, even in the times of despair and sadness to say, 'Thank you Lord that I am able to go through this and thank you for what you are doing and going to do.' That the despair would get less attention and looking up to the Father would become more of a habit. The other morning my daughter Jordan woke up to a flat tire. I immediately thanked God for what ever it was He kept her from on this morning. In the Bible Paul says, "Count it all joy!" Really? Even when life appears crappy? Even when I can't pay my rent? Even when my kids can't have new shoes? Yes, really. "Count it all JOY!" And then pretend it's an adventure, because that's really all it is. An adventure. We are still living and breathing and loving and learning and for this, I am thankful.
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Okay, so you have asked. And you have given God a time limit. Because what you perceive as good timing is all you are thinking about. What you are needing right now is all you are seeing. It is the bigger picture that you can’t see. It is what God is working out for good all around you and in other lives that you are having to wait on. So, you “Ask and Ye Shall Receive” and then you “Let Go And Let God“ and then “Wait Upon The Lord”.

What I am saying is. Ask for what you want. And it isn’t about asking for money. What is it that money would bring? A peace about your bills? Loosening up the pocket book a little so you can go to Target? Being able to give the way you have always felt you should? It isn’t about asking for a man. They aren’t too hard to find. So get clear about what it is you are really asking for. The root of what more money would give you. The companionship that a relationship would bring. Then “Let Go And Let God”. Don’t pick it back up. Get clear about what you are really asking for and hold that thought. Notice how it feels to have money in the bank. Notice how it feels to have financial freedom. Notice how it feels to hand a check to the cause that concerns you most. Now claim it. As if it is already true. Continue to hold that until. Until it manifests in the physical what you have already claimed in the spiritual. Wondering what is taking so long? Not your job. That split second thought needs to immediately be replaced with what you already know to be true. The thought and the feeling you have when you asked and claimed this. When you let the negative climb back in to your conscious thinking, you are giving power to that negative thought. You are sliding back into the lack. I don’t have it. I am never going to get it. God doesn’t answer my prayers. Now where are you? Right back at the beginning. Start over. Ask again. Now let go and let God. Now wait upon the Lord.

Sometimes it helps to keep the excitement when you get a hold of the thought and the feeling that goes along with the thought. And then take your imagination and think about all the people God is working on and through while you are waiting. What is God putting in place while you are holding the truth in thought and feeling. I know while I continued to ask God for a husband. I would feel like time was running out. Okay, I have been single for 3 years now. That is quite long enough. I am lonely. I am wanting to be a wife. Okay, I have been single for 6 years now. Quite long enough! I am ready for that loving relationship. Wow. The 7th year into it and I had to start healing. I didn’t realize how angry I had been at Tracy for leaving me. In death even. Now I couldn’t tell him how mad I was. I couldn’t get in his face and blame him for my hurt and anger. I had to deal with it on my own. And I did. And then I got peace about being single. For over 9 years now. And in the meantime, the past 2 years, my prayer changed. Yes, I still asked for a husband. Yes, I still asked to be a wife. However, my prayer became one of thanksgiving. Thanking God for the husband he was preparing for me. Thanking God for preparing me, in the meantime, to be the wonderful, loving wife that this fabulous man would deserve. Becoming thankful, truly thankful, and excited! Excited about the love that is and is going to be. The prayer that is being answered right now, even if my menial little brain can’t wrap around the process. Or why the process has to take so long.

I am excited as I watch God’s plan for my life unfold all around me. As I ask in each little area of my life. As I take what I ask, hold the thought and desire and claim it, as I “Ask and I Shall Receive“ as I “Let go and Let God” and then as I “Wait Upon The Lord“. ~Rachel Noble
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It begins with a restless feeling of sorts. Not sure what needs to be cleaned first, but just an overwhelming feeling that my house is a wreck! Company might stop by and not notice anything out of place. But I know. So, I don’t start with the obvious. I head straight for the closets!

When my daughter was still at home and would see me starting, she would joke and say “oh no, mom is in one of her moods.”

In the closet I start at the top shelf, pull out anything I don’t need to keep.

Straighten any coats or clothes hanging, once again removing anything sticking out like a sore thumb that I couldn’t possibly wear! Then pulling out everything on the floor. Grab the broom and mop, clean as a whistle and ONLY put back in what belongs. Anything else is trash bound or Bethel Bible Village bound!

When the closets are done ~this means EVERY closet~ I start under the sinks. Then the cabinets in the kitchen. Last but not least, under the bed! Whew! Feeling better all ready! Now into the living room and no, I can’t just straighten up. I must pull out the sofa, the shelving, chairs. All the dog hair is vacuumed, all the dust bunnies put away.

This doesn’t happen often. Maybe it needs to happen more often.

To keep what is hidden even tidier than what people see. So that even if I am the only one going into the closet, I see what is going on. I see if it is a jumbled mess or clean and uncluttered.

On the very rare occasion when I am feeling odd, unbalanced and uncertain, I start in the closets. ~Rachel Noble
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Driving home yesterday after work, I totaled my company vehicle. I have never in my life been in an accident and this one was so messed up! My turning left across three lanes of traffic on what had been a green arrow. Two of the lanes having traffic at a dead stand still while waiting on their light to turn green and the 3rd lane having been empty…until I entered the intersection and noticed a Dodge Durango traveling at a good clip. My thought was “he needs to slow down if he is going to turn right” and at the same time “Shit! He’s not slowing down to turn right!”

Yes, getting T-Boned was always in my car accident dreams. This man had to have been going 35MPH to have hit me with the force he did and spin my car around and put me up on the opposite side walk! Spitting glass out of my mouth and shaking it out of my hair I was just thinking “so this is what it is like.” And then a few expletives and a phone call to my boss.

Being home early today gave me a chance to turn on the Maury show. I wanted to be reminded of what real drama is. Not accidents in life itself that stop us from normal routine, but drama that is seemingly created to keep us stirred up. Drama that some people seem to draw into their life to have something -anything- to feel. Or keep from feeling.

All I ask for is reality. Honest, upfront, sometimes confusing and sometimes hurtful reality. I don’t need to make anything up and I am not going to get to avoid it! ~Rachel Noble
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