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I posted this excerpt from The Little Prince (you can read it in the previous post if not familiar with the story) because it has always represented for me, relationships. The one most on my mind now is the relationship that just ended. When we first began dating 3 years ago I brought this up and asked him not to 'tame me' if he wasn't going to stay around. Over the years we seperated a couple of times because we weren't on the same page when it came to a serious relationship.

The first 10 months we continued to date other people and I stayed very ambivilant about going any further. I could see he wasn't serious and so I wasn't about to get that way. I let him go the first time when I knew that I couldn't ever find my life partner if I was so caught up with him. Wonderful guy, no commitment.

We came back together knowing we loved each other just not sure how to move forward when he still didn't want a committed relationship but I chose to give it a try 'just to see.' Well, the truth being -I loved him and wanted this picture I had in my head of what could be. So we dated the next several months growing closer and my meeting his family including his (grown) son for the first time. We all went on vacation to St. Augustine -his son and my kids including my daughter's fiance. My thinking 'oh, cool...we are moving forward as a family' and he thinking...who knows what, he dropped me cold the day we got back...and he moved forward with another for the next 5 or 6 months.

When this love came back in my life, March of this past year, I was very clear that I wanted a commited relationship. I want marriage...knowing he had always said he did not want to be married again, although this time he said he was ready. He said this is what he wanted. He loved Destin and me and it was worth moving forward for us to be together. Once again I, knowing I loved this man for the sweet, kind, generous person he is...I agreed to this new beginning. And it has been great. We have spent time talking together more than we had ever talked in the past. We had brought up differences that needed to be worked on, and we moved forward in what I thought was unison.

After spending a wonderful year -including Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve together...he is done again. Just like that. Done. The only explanation? We are too different. Really? Like we didn't already know each other well enough to know the differences? Really? Like I am no different than the day we met...I am still that sweet spirit, kind person you said you loved. I still own my own company, working from home -never have been and never will be that coorporate dynamite you seem to be attracted to when you aren't dating me. So...here I am with all the hurts, dissapointments and what if's I went through last July. And seeing the side of him that isn't so sweet, compassionate and caring that he could leave in such a cold way.

So we come back to the story of taming the fox. And I had to re-read it. I asked this man not to tame me because I didn't want to be hurt. And now I have to see what was learned from this taming. What was good, what wasn't so good. What it was in the relationship I absolutely loved and what will not be tolerated in the next. And I have to move forward. Without bitterness and resentment. Without anger. Because those few little words are not who I am and not who I ever want to be. Those words do nothing but bring me somewhere I don't want to be.

I choose to live without fear of the next relationship. I choose to trust and love and give as I always have, knowing that is my true character. A relationship does not define me. What happens in that relationship does not define me. It does, however, bring me to a closer awareness of what it will be when the time is right and the relationship is right. And I have to be willing to be tamed again.
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Taming The Fox 01/09/2010
 
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It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning," said the fox.

"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree." "

Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," said the fox.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince.

"I am so unhappy." "I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince. But, after some thought, he added: "What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean, 'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."

"'To establish ties'?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."

"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince. The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on this planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life . I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..." The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please, tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near...

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses. "You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarrassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you, the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose..." said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

-Taken from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry
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How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk~

Ah, this I have seen on billboards and advertised throughout Chattanooga on many occasions and have always been curious. Offered by First Things First, this is one of several weekend 'relationship' workshops they sponsor. So, with a push by my girlfriend Stephanie, a few months ago, I went! Not because men are jerks. First and foremost, let me say that just because someone breaks up with you, leaves you, stops being a confidante or the relationship is over for whatever reason, does not make a person a 'jerk!'

What makes a 'jerk', (and this I have suspected and the weekend confirmed it) is a self centered, narcissistic, controlling, inconsiderate person. This could also mean a wonderful-sweet-kind person who is only wonderful, sweet and kind when it suits their purpose or is good for them! This also, my dear girlfriends, could mean anyone in your life and is not necessarily a man!

~Getting Walked On~

Many terms are used to describe, and the feelings associated with, what I am talking about; taken advantage of, used, disrespected, unappreciated, useless, worthless...you get the idea.

It seems as though the jerks in our lives have absolutely no idea they are being a jerk. Wrapped up in themselves and what they have going on it never occurs to them that you have a life outside of theirs. It never occurs to them that you need to be available to yourself first! We can use our kids as the first example. Who would have thought we ever had a life before them? They are born with the belief that this world was created for them.

We have girlfriends that get upset if we have any other girlfriends outside of them. Going to have coffee and they aren't invited? Having dinner with someone and they don't know about it? Spending time with family and other friends and are, for some reason, unavailable to them at the very moment they perceive that they NEED you? You catch it! Either they tell you exactly what they think or you get the cold shoulder for many days. You do for them whenever and wherever and they are not available when you are in need...

Men. It is done their way. You have no opinion or your opinion is silly. If you are dating and they are wrapped up in what they are doing yet expect you to be available, answer the phone, jump and run, pick them up something, pay for dinner, drive them somewhere, watch what they are watching....Whew! Exhausting! If you are married and it is you that keeps the home clean, takes the kids to and from school, picks up what is needed for the household, has what he wants for dinner at the time he wants to eat, you watch what he wants to watch on tv or he piles up in the bedroom while you take care of the running of the household....there is more, ladies, but I am moving on...

~Take A Hike!~

We have wonderful, internal strengths as a woman. We are kind, thoughtful, intuitive, sensitive, compassionate and generally aware of what others needs are. There are hurts in our lives that perhaps form barriers and we become hardened and hide those strengths. We perceive the fact that those strengths have perhaps caused us to be walked on and taken advantage of. So we stop doing anything for anyone!

Life is about balance. Being able to graciously accept help and advice, as well as being able to give is all a part of the balance. When the balance is too far on one side -it is you always giving of your time and talents and resources- it is easy to fall into a place of being a victim. This is something being done to you. This is something you have given up personal control over. Letting others dictate your life and how you will live it. The other side of the balance is, basically, a HECK NO! No I won't help, no I won't give, no I won't do, no I am not available. Out of fear of being taken advantage of? Out of a previous lack of control? This can almost be as dangerous and self destructive as giving too much.

Start with taking time for yourself. I know I talk about this a lot! But it does, girlfriends, all come back to you! You being the very best you can be in order to be the very best to all of those in your life! We were created to be loving, nurturing, joyful females. It should come naturally to us to be giving and thoughtful. Your boundaries can be made up of soft pillows and blankets instead of needles and prickly pears. It just starts with your doing what is necessary to get in touch with your true spirit, living intentionally and thoughtfully. Focusing on the internal you instead of everything external, everything that is going on around you and what someone is going to require next.

A lady at the workshop that weekend (a few months ago) asked "What is unconditional love?" Wikepedia answers it like this ~Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of his actions or beliefs. This I agree with! This is what unconditional love is all about. However...It does not require us to be walked on, taken advantage of and victimized. Love requires us to love ourselves and our well-being first. Not in a self-centered way but in a way that provides our renewing and refreshing so that we can give more and can be truly available when needed. ~Rachel Noble
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You have just started dating someone new and you are so excited! He seems perfect in every way and he has told you just enough about his last relationship to make you feel secure in knowing you will treat him better. There is no way you would ever act like the ex. I am sorry to say, that doesn’t matter and it isn’t enough to keep him from going back when the ex comes crying and pulling strings.

It is about comfort for him. What we are seeing is anguish, and chaos when looking from the outside. He is going back to what he knows and an emotional attachment is just that, even when it is negative it is still an attachment that needs time to break. This is more true the longer the relationship had lasted, when marriage and kids were involved or if there had been something dramatic during the time that they were together that would have caused an even greater attachment.

The only choice you have here is to let him go. Remember when you said to yourself you would never act like the ex? Don’t start now! You have to let him go. He is allowing the strings to be pulled, the chaos to bring him back, do you really want to get in the middle of that? Don’t slide down in the mud or the ditch now. And especially not with an ex you don’t even know for a man you have just met or a relationship you have just begun. Girlfriend, let him go!

Oh, you have already put your heart into it. You feel betrayed, perhaps you have slept with him and now you feel a connection that is pulling your heart out. You have told him you love him? Do you really? Now is the time to show him. Without words even. You don’t want to burn bridges if you think this is a man worth being with. In knowing yourself you will know if this man is worth being there for when he does call. It is almost certain he will call you at some point. You are the Girlfriend quietly being there. You aren’t asking anything of him at this point. You are the one not pulling strings and playing games and when he does call to talk, you are a great listener and a very sweet person. And you truly are. You are a wonderful sweet spirit that any man would want. Now, what man deserves it?

Now that this wonderful man has dated you for just a moment, he is aware of what can be. He is well aware of how simple and nice dating a woman without the chaos can be. You have to continue to just be you during this time of separation. He has gone back to what he didn’t want and had left in the first place because it is what he knows, not necessarily what he really wants. When you slide down into despair or anger and try to cause chaos or jealousy you are no better than the last and why on earth would he want to come back? Believe me when I say he wants things different just as much as you do. He just may not be aware of it. You are aware of it so you model it for him until he gets it. No, you don’t have to answer the phone on Friday night at 8pm when he calls just to see if you have a date. Even if you don’t, go ahead and take yourself out. Go have dinner at one of your favorite restaurants, take in a movie or an outdoor concert. Leave the cell phone at home. Perhaps Saturday morning you can give him a courtesy call back and apologize for missing his call. At this point, be very evasive about where you were the night before. It isn’t any of his business. And you are staying out of game playing. You are just dating yourself at this point and he doesn’t have to know that! See, he has left yet he doesn’t have to have the fear of ‘losing’ you. He knows how wonderful you are and he knows other men are out there just waiting to date you. Remember? He is intelligent, wonderful and bright and this is why you would love to get to know him better. At this point you are holding yourself higher than the ex and this is what he is coming to respect. Believe me when I say, he is noticing! Do not put fear, mistrust or jealousy into this relationship at this point. These are not qualities you want in any relationship and are just part of a game you are better off not playing. Remember, you are wanting more and are expecting more because you are worth more.

Now, you have said you love him. And I have said now is the time to show him. Love just is. It isn’t something you give and take away as you please. That would be control and control is not love. So, Girlfriend, figure it out. Do you love him? Then let him go in love, without struggle and without strings attached. Real love doesn’t hold, it let’s go. And you love him anyways. You love him besides, you love him in-spite of and you love him without expectations of an outcome. You show him that you have a capacity to love without strings when you can love him even if he isn’t dating you or buying you things or calling or paying attention. No, you don’t sit quietly at home waiting. You move on with your life. I am just saying that if you love him and hope for a phone call and look forward to a reunion, you have to be the bigger person, you have to keep the games out of this relationship now and in the future. You have to set yourself apart from the norm and be bigger and better. You have to be the loving sweet woman you have become –regardless.

And when he comes to you to pour his heart out, you let him. You don’t start a conversation or try to tell him what he should have done or think this is at all about you. Let him talk. This is the time for you to just listen and be so thankful he knew he could come to you and tell you anything his heart wanted to say and you were there to just listen. And whether he mentions it or not, one reason he has come back is because you haven’t asked anything of him during this time. You have just let him be. You have watched to see how he handles things. You have watched to see his character during this time and you have been a willing participant as you stayed connected and took his phone calls and remained a true friend. He has come back because he knows even through all that he has put you through –and believe me he does know what he put you through even though he may never mention it- you have loved him anyway. This is a relationship without fear, mistrust and jealousy because you left these factors out. Good for you! Now, in this conversation, when he is done pouring his heart out and you have quietly listened and loved, let him know that you love him. You love the man he is and you love the fact that he can just be. However, in a relationship with you there are requirements and you do expect of him in this situation. You know you can’t be in a relationship that is chaotic, controlling or manic. So with you, he is setting up for a lifetime commitment that will be a relief for him. It may still take time and you may still have to stay strong and continue to state what you want, what you desire and what your needs are in a relationship and as you grow together and learn together, he will begin to get it. And he will begin to really appreciate this relationship and you.




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Jordan Elizabeth,
How do you even begin to put what is in your heart down on paper when you are wanting someone to understand the depth of an emotion or the existence of a love that is indescribable.

When you were born it was just you and me. I had such a desire to protect you and keep you from hurting. As you grew I began to realize I couldn’t keep you from the hurt, nor would I want to. It is from those times that we are able to grow -as long as we stay open to the learning and focus on what is good even in the pain.

I have seen you with your girlfriends, even the girls you have been friends with since you were 4 years old. The way that you have grown into a woman (yes I have to consider you one) and have been a friend with them all this time. Today at your home, hearing them talk about what you mean to them. That they are able to trust you. That you are truthful with them even if they may not want to hear it. That you are aware enough to speak the truth in love. That you are aware enough to know you are speaking it in love. For one of my best girlfriends to say about you that you are lovable. That she would say you make her smile and bring her joy when she is around you.

For anyone to say that you are mature and responsible is the truth. I want to add to that and say you are not grown. You are still loving being a teenager and loving being a Senior in high school ~Yet you also love being independent, making decisions on you own or in unison with Michael. Such as mature adults do. I see a balance with you. I see you continuing to grow and change. And enjoying the change as you grow. I see you open to spiritual things in life and that brings me a great amount of Joy.

How would I ever have known ~ 18 years ago ~ that I would be blessed to Mother such a sweet and wonderful Spirit. That I would admire and appreciate you for so many reasons. Reasons that could never be simple and perhaps never understood.
So I will leave it at this for now. Knowing words are only words. And I will continue to give you space to grow. As I hope I have always done. And I will continue to watch you and admire you. And I will continue to learn what it is to care about another human being and not have the words tell. ~Your Mom, Rachel Noble
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I began 2007 a single woman. After having dated a man through the holidays last year, and those being the loneliest holidays of the last 8 years, I stepped back and thought maybe I was trying too hard. I had intentionally quit dating for 2.5 years, began dating intentionally the summer of 2006 and had come to the end of the year feeling stronger and more sure of what I knew I needed in a man. Also realizing I had dated a lot and was tired of it. I decided to stop ‘looking’.

I had put myself out in cyber-space. Dating online ~ Match.com, E-harmony, meeting guys on Myspace ~ and I have to say, I met some of the nicest guys. Really. Interesting, each different and each showing me qualities I would love to bring together into one, Mister Lovely. But I knew when to let go. I knew when to say we didn’t need to date any longer. It was nice to be aware enough that I would not stay one day longer than was necessary to know. Except through the holidays. It was sad. No phone call on Thanksgiving-okay, we had just started dating, he was with his family. No show at my 40th birthday-okay, his daughter was in town and he has little enough time with her. Ignored the week from Christmas to New Years eve. Not okay ladies! Back to my old adage..”It Either Is Or It Isn’t”…nice as he was when he took me out, this was just wrong. Or, as my sister-in-law likes to point out, “Greg was just a bad idea.” Thank you, Tammy.

So, Linda-Girls-Mister Jim, Thank you for hosting the New Years Eve Party 2006, sorry I left-in tears. But when I called my date-Greg-to meet him for the evening, and he wanted to know what I thought of our dating, I took the opportunity to tell him. Yes ladies, in love and compassion.

So, the 2nd week of January, out steps Mr. Sweet Spirit. I had known him several months and in fact, he and I had confided about this guy or that and his relationship that had just ended. So we had established a friendship base. When he asked if I had talked to Greg I responded “Why?” Move on, God has something really great planned so why go back to not great. I told Mr. Sweet Spirit I had decided to quit dating -Tired of shaving my legs, tired of putting on make-up, tired of trying to get to know someone. Mr. Sweet Spirit responded “So, do you want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings Friday night?” Well yes, of course I do! And did for the next 10 months.
This has been a nice year spent with Mr. Sweet Spirit. I have kept my eyes open, spoke up when something wasn’t okay and stayed open and honest about this relationship. The biggest not okay was his inability to commit. Yes, we got along great. Great chemistry. Laughed. And I was able to see where I didn’t stay true to myself sometimes…I can be a little intense and I tried to reserve! So finely, a few weeks ago I had to tell him I thought we should let go. I am looking for a love. A partner. A companion. And yes, Destin deserves him to be a dad as well. I don’t require much. Emotional intimacy~openness on all levels, honesty, sharing~This seems to be the big hurdle. I’m thinking 10 months is quite long enough to know if you are moving forward in a relationship. Mr. Sweet Spirit said it was sad I thought it was long enough. He liked things the way they were. Yes, because everything is good for you. Everything is not good for me and I need to move on.

It took a couple weeks to let him go. We tried to stay friends. He continued to call -almost on a daily basis. He came over for dinner on Monday night. Me, I am holding out hope he will come to his senses and realize I am the better for him. Not happening. When I didn’t hear from him between Thursday morning to Monday morning, I knew I had to let him go for good. The friendship thing was only going one way. He wasn’t available when I needed him to be yet I was still there for him. Not okay. He came over for dinner, brought me a beautiful birthday present and I asked him how his date was that weekend. He looked at me and said “I didn’t want to tell you that way.” Well, how did you want to tell me? I know Mr. Sweet Spirit too well. Great looking, kind, sweet, doesn’t want to be alone. Of course he was going to be out on a date. Yes, it hurt. But we had moved apart. He was allowed to date. I just knew, at that moment, that we couldn’t continue to stay attached. Emotionally. I would not be the other woman. I would not stay in the middle of a new relationship he was choosing to pursue. I will not be that hurt for someone else. So, having spent 3 weeks trying, I finely let Mr. Sweet Spirit go. No more holding on to hope that he would come to his senses. No more hoping for him to profess his love for me. I need room for Mr. Lovely. Mr. Whole Package. Mr. Emotionally Open. Mr. Whatever His Name Will Be. Mister who wants to know my heart and soul. Mister who supports my passions. He doesn’t have to understand them, that is what I have girlfriends for!

In hindsight - along with staying aware of what was good in a man and what was not okay, I have become more sure of what is meant for me. And I didn’t choose to stop seeing Mr. Sweet Spirit because there was someone else to date. I just knew there was no room for Mister Lovely if there was an emotional attachment to Mr. Anybody else. Thus my having learned The Art Of Letting Go. ~Rachel Noble
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Written to me from my Soul Sister, Stephanie -December 02, 2006

For you, this your 40th birthday ought to be a sun overriding all the other stars. Rarely, have I seen resolve such as yours - touching with your gentle laugh the scars yielded in battles you’ve won.

Happy birthday, dearest one, precious soul - sister of my heart! We’re one in love and joy, in fondness and worth … and so as one we celebrate this day, your day of birth! Rejoice in your specialness awhile: this I’m not requesting but demanding! How else to make yourself the celebration, doing what doesn’t come naturally? I hope that throughout this month of December, our birth month, you find joy, surprises, laughter and love … all of which you deserve in great abundance … all of which you have shown me since the day we met.

To discover my soul-sister throughout the last 4 years has been one of the most wonderful and treasured surprises of all! You make me laugh, regardless of what else may be going on in life. That’s a priceless gift; one I can never repay you for. It’s no secret how much I value laughter in life; you’ve shown me many wonderful laughs, just by being yourself, and saying what’s on your mind. Another Rachel attribute that I admire, and has me wishing I could have more of in my own life.

So today, and throughout this month, I celebrate your birth, and my good fortune in finding the precious gift of your friendship.Happy Birthday, Girlfriend! And here’s to many, many more years of friendship and laughter! ~ LYMI!
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In posting the letter - Forget Love and Try Good Manners, from ‘The Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sister Hood’- and doing some reading and contemplating this weekend (how odd *smile*) it has occurred to me how very true the statement is “Forget Love, Try Good Manners.”

In observing couples and the way they treat each other…the question posed is “Why do you stay?” The answer invariably is “Because I love him/her.” Give me a break!

And, in talking to friends and letting them know that I am dating again and intentionally searching for the love that comes from being connected to another soul, I hear very often ~maybe from the ones that aren’t happy~ “maybe in your search you will realize you are better off single.” I am very well off single. I love being single. I love being independent and self sufficient, I love taking off on a Friday night and doing my thing…not reporting to anyone.

But I miss being in a monogamous relationship. I miss the connection to that one other human being that you can count on and has your back no matter what. The one who looks for you and wants to be with you and you with them. Because you enjoy them! Because you want to be in their company! Because you respect them! Because you have compassion and genuinely care what is going on and what happens to them.

So, back to my original thought. Love has nothing to do with it if you haven’t learned how to love. If you haven’t learned how to love~in a genuine, honest, thoughtful, you mean the world to me way~ Start with good manners. ~Rachel Noble
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Pecan Grove Plantation
Thornton, Louisiana
August 15, 1993 5:30am

Siddalee~
Good God, child! What do you mean, you “don’t know how to love”? Do you think any of us know how to love?! Do you think anybody would ever do anything if they waited until they knew how to love?! Do you think that babies would ever get made or meals cooked or crops planted or books written or what God-damn-have-you? Do you think people would even get out of the bed in the morning if they waited until they knew how to love? You have had too much therapy. Or not enough. God knows how to love, kiddo. The rest of us are only good actors.

Forget love. Try good manners.
~Vivi Abbott Walker
Letter written to Siddalee Walker from her mom, Vivi Walker. Taken from the book Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Okay, sister, we need to watch this movie again! *smile*
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In listening to relationship therapists, that seem to be coming out of the woodwork these days, what they seem to be saying to the women and girls are ~You are not a Princess and you are not going to have a Knight in Shining Armor come and rescue you ~End of Fairy Tale. So now what do we do? Re-write?

I am becoming more and more aware, in my search for Mr. Lovely, of how many single moms, in particular, there are. Hence a bigger need for Knights on White Horses but also an increasing number of women who are strong, independent, self sufficient, and in charge of the household. Speaking for myself, this has been an 8 year learning process. One that I have not been happy about at times and one I have actually been very angry about at times. I did not ask to be head of household. I did not ask to raise these kids on my own. I did not ask to be totally in charge and independent.

No wonder men are confused and women are crazy! Nobody knows how to act anymore. All these little girls growing up with the same fairy tales the boys were read. Okay, the same basic story line one was just called Snow White and one was called Robin Hood. Same story, one written from the guys point of view and one written by the damsel-in-distrss herself.

So, we are coming more into a day where we women just need a partner. A loving, respectful, considerate, let me be me and you be you partner. This should take the pressure off the guys to some extent. They no longer have to know how to rescue. They now just have to know how to be a friend. And that would include knowing when to give a hug and knowing when to back off. I just said we didn’t need a rescuer, I never said we weren’t still emotional females.

And you, my man, can still go hunting. Or watch ESPN. Or scratch yourself. Or have your friends over and talk too loud and make disgusting noises. And I will still let you wash the cars and do the yard work. Remember, I agree there are male and female roles. I just can’t do the damsel-in-distress. ~Rachel Noble
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